this is what being complete feels like

the stars are shining so bright 
wait that's just manhattan's light 

it's been twelve hours since i ate 
i think i'm finally losing weight 

mixed up my armor with some knight 
walkin' home wearing his white 
i know what you're gonna say 
no one could love me this way 

i'm bowlegged and starving, but 
walkin' home happy 
let this mark the moment 
when i felt freedom ring 
i've got my laptop for pleasure 
and my guitar for pain 
love's a buried treasure 
but i don't need love to feel this way 

he said i could spend the night 
i said thanks but that's alright 
you can paint your number on my face 
but i'm not into sleeping at someone else's place 

i'm bowlegged and starving, but 
walkin' home happy 
let this mark the moment 
when i felt freedom ring 
i've got my laptop for pleasure 
and my guitar for pain 
love's a buried treasure 
but i don't need love to feel this way

when brooklyn tossed a bone, it landed in my wishing well 
took the train for hours to this roach motel 
sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's hot 
sometimes he loves me, 
sometimes he loves me not 

i'm bowlegged and starving, but 
walkin' home happy 
let this mark the moment 
when i felt freedom ring 
i've got my laptop for pleasure 
and my guitar for pain 
love's a buried treasure 
but i don't need love to feel this way

i got a sad sinking feeling

and i can see her face .

and i imagine that you can too .

when time is most precious and we're at our most vulnerable .

and you can read my mind, and then i wonder what you don't want me to know .

there are things you don't say; everyone has something to hide .

my hands are around her throat and she's an ugly shade of aquamarine. when you're fucking her/me. 

she's always around and i can't get rid of her, no matter how hard i try. 

i'm choking her and she's sputtering and coughing. her eyes look up at me and she's not begging me to stop, she's pushing me on "you can do this".

the hate literally boils in my stomach. nausea hits, it's one thing and another. my hands turn to yours and back. you're never holding on hard enough. you never commit fully enough. 

i don't know you as well as i know her/she knows you. and now i'm wondering is this a trend in your life ?

you

are

so

full

of

shit

drama.

and of course, you're completely oblivious.

boy don't she feel warm tonight.

the only thing keeping her away from complete happiness and peace of mind was her insanity. 

there was always someone there for her. if she accepted it, life could have been handed to her on a silver platter. but she threw the platter back in life's face. she wanted things to be difficult, you can't be an artist without suffering. she worked to ruin her perfect world and in doing so ruined it for her family and friends. 

she started lying to attempt to erase the perfection that could have surrounded her. she started cheating to have something to lie about. she hurt anyone who ever threatened her with the thought of a "perfect" life, a "normal" life. she fought back anyway she knew how; claws out, eyes closed. she always drew blood. 

i contemplate the day we wed

(your friends are boring me to death)

where is everything that i was promised? 

take it easy, love nothing.

this is always my profile photo on facebook when i am depressed. 

the boy who blocked his own shot.

if it makes you less sad
i will die by your hand
i hope you find out what you want
i already know what i am
and if it makes you less sad
we'll start talking again
and you can tell me how vile 
i already know that i am

i'll grow old
and start acting my age
i'll be a brand new day 
in a life that you hate
a crown of gold
a heart that's harder than stone
and it hurts a whole lot
but it's missed when it's gone

call me a safe bet
i'm betting i'm not
i'm glad you that can forgive
only hoping as time goes
you can forget

if it makes you less sad
i'll move out of the state
you can keep to yourself
i'll keep out of your way
and if it makes you less sad
i'll take your pictures all down
every picture you paint
i will paint myself out
it's as cold as a tomb
and it's dark in your room
when i sneak to your bed 
to pour salt in your wounds
so call it quits
or get a grip
say you wanted a solution
you just wanted to be missed

call me a safe bet
i'm betting i'm not
i'm glad that you can forgive
i'm only hoping as time goes
you can forget
so you can forget
you can forget

you are calm and reposed
let your beauty unfold
pale white like the skin 
stretched over your bones
spring keeps you ever close
you are second hand smoke
you are so fragile and thin
standing trial for your sins
holding onto yourself the best you can
you are the smell before the rain
you are the blood in my veins

call me a safe bet
i'm betting i'm not
i'm glad that you can forgive
i'm only hoping as time goes
you can forget

oscar.

i couldn't imagine you crying and it's weird hearing it over the phone.

i guess you really care about them.

i guess i care about them more than i thought, too.

ice water.

i just want more. 

however, i don't expect you to indulge my ridiculous whims.

i didn't mean to lie to you.

today, i turned my phone off for hours. 

i wanted you to worry like you did before but you didn't even notice.

bathrooms have always had a soothing affect.

and i lock myself in mine.

dirty floor.

rocking back and forth.

music that you would call sad and i would call real.

my door is locked and the speaker's loud. 

the display screen on my cell phone a dead, dull black.

i wonder if you even think about what's happening. 

 

northshore.

something so sick about this, my misery's so addictive.

i believe that people need to realize that there can be a difference between not liking something and disliking it.

i guess i think it's nice that we have names for each other.

pops and chucky.

i like that.

there's nothing quite like the smell of something that used to be food and is now... not.

oh, fuck it, i guess we lost.

i am evidently insane.

i mean, i have everything anyone could ask for.

and he's perfect. 

what could i possibly have to be sad about?

and i miss everyone i've ever lost.

all at once, i can feel them all. 

and that's what i'm doing this for. 

climb through life without a meaning.

the common

dufferin mall with mothers

chip shop after hours

eyesore

sushi

good night

jay brannan

and i know i'm not the only one who needs you like i do. 

when the water is too deep.

i wish you would just stay out of my life. 

i thought you were going to, but you haven't and i hate it.

i hate you.

like gasoline

i wish that you realized how your actions affect other people.

i mean, i'm supposed to be you friend.

if this is how you treat friends, i never want to find out how you treat people who aren't friends.

what is the point of talking to people, anyway?

review my wishes for fair weather.

i can't breath, i realize i've said this before.
i can't ever breath.

i used to think that i could escape by walking away.
i would move away. try any number of things to get away from everything.
now i know that it's impossible.
running away only makes escaping harder.
running away only makes it more clear that i can't get away.
only makes it harder to breath, harder to smile, harder in general.

it's as if in the process of running away i get turned around and end up running back.
but it's the last place i want to be.

i don't know how to say this softly, but i'm hurting and afraid and i just want to be able to breath.

last night's torrents.

i know that we can't all be together
and that calls over skype are as close as we can get.
but in a way, i haven't felt closer to you in a while.

last night reminded me of the days
where james blunt and damien rice filled up our playlists.
something we cringe about when admitting to now.
me, you and a boy.
this is how it used to be,
this is what i've been missing.

cross your fingers, please.

threats of castration for crimes you imagine when i miss your call.

i understand that i am asking a lot of you.
i realize that i am being unreasonable.
constantly demanding; you are constantly in demand.
it must be exhausting to be loved this much
and this is not a guilt trip.
it's just the tired truth.
twisted, and laced with unexplainable fear
and also something larger.
pure paranoia.
terror takes over, my actions affected accordingly due to this anxiety.

little porcelain figurines, glass bullets you shoot at the wall.

i want to believe you
and you say that you don't
and that should be enough
and it is.
for the most part.
and i should be enough
and i believe that i am.
for the most part.

but what about the other parts?

young hearts burst open, wounds bleed fresh.

i want to reach out and touch you.
and your skin is warm
and my hands are cold.
only, i don't
because i'm stubborn and
i'm longing for you to pull me closer
hold me
convince me it's okay.
i feel nauseous
my anxiety is overwhelming.
i think i am going to throw up
and cry
and this is never going to end.

i want to be your best friend.
i want to be in your life, again.
differently. finally.

i know i never can, though.

nourishment is temporary.

i always knew i would spend a lot of time alone.
thinking about you is not going to be enough to keep myself busy this year.
i am not going to be satisfied. living life through you.
i need to do something, something safe.
i need to make friends again, occupy my mind.

it feels as if the sand will never completely go away.

like so many other things, traces will always be left.

"this is my day too".

i don't mean to ruin things, and i tried to salvage this.

let's continue to use metaphores.

lose, when i play your game.

my hands are heavy and slow, they are disproportionately large and my fingers are swollen.

my joints are fused, i cannot walk like i once could. my body aches and even standing up is more of a task than i would like to admit.

you bring to me the idea of youth. once, an unthinkable miracle. now, closer and closer to a possibility.

i can fly. i can close my long-lashed eyes, suck in my round tummy, go up on my tip-toes, push off and fly away. i can go anywhere as long as my eyes are closed. but what is the point? i can't see where i am, or have been, or am going. i can only feel the wind rushing through my hair and the flips my stomach does as i weave in and out of moist clouds. i have considered the idea that i am insane.

you ground me, i am nearing confidence of my sanity but i miss the wind and the clouds and the possibility that i am different. special.

i am ill. i have an overactive imagination. i am constantly in a state of paranoia. i imagine everyone is looking at me, talking about me. i am chronically depressed. i have an erratic sleeping pattern; fourteen hours, four hours. i obsessively organize, i have control over some things. i imagine you don't love me, this is a joke. i am the punchline. there is no such thing as too good to be true.

you lock me up, i am safe behind bars. blankets restrict my movement. my body aches too much to move anyway, ever since i stopped flying. but they're making it hard to breath. i push upwards and you push me down, you're stradeling me and holding me into place. i am confident of your love for a second and i try to explain my fears, thinking you will hear them and save me. your destiny is as my salvation. you get upset and i am on top of you. holding you down with all my might. fighting off your fists. this is my story, i am the oppressed. let me tell it.

i am so caught up in my oppression, so caught up in labels and stereotypes and roles. so caught up in my confusion and anxiety that i can barely even see yours. i can barely even see you.

this is a love letter, this is an apology, this is everything i have- for you.

shame and fortune.

what upsets me is the fact that you lied to me about it; more so than the act itself.

i keep trying to convince myself that i am okay with it however i can't help but get a disgusting naseous feeling. it makes me feel dirty and i can't shake the feeling that it means that i'm not good enough. i'm not doing enough. i'm not capable of satisfying you.

it feels like crap.

modest mouse cover band.

"is there something wrong with our friendship?"

if you were a better friend, you wouldn't have to ask that.

so we can stay like this forever.

it feels good being here with you.
you're caught up in your comics and i'm distracted by the internet.
occasional words, complaints, sentences.
we don't need anything more.
we can have our time apart while still being together.
no need to entertain.