"i have suffered the atrocity of sunsets"

stomach to stomach we sleep,

your rhythmic breathing

tells me when to breath.

without you i am restless, worried.

you are smaller, newborn

helpless

when i'm not around.

i'd like to think i'm the mess you'd wear with pride

apparently not.

elevator love letter.

i realize how lucky i am to have you. 

and i want to thank you for your tolerance. 

i realize i can be hard to live with.

and that i can be hard to be friends with. 

and i want to thank you for always being one.

i realize that i can be immature 

and that i can say hurtful things.

and i want to thank you for your trust

and knowing i love you, even when i push you to question it.

i don't know where i would be without you.

don't go, say you'll stay

spend a lazy sunday in my arms

don't take anything away.

necessities of pregnancy :

cheap, black leggings.

oversized shirts and sweaters.

honey-ginger tea.

a box of low-sodium triscuits beside the bed.

folic acid.

books.

bigger bras. 

comfortable bras.

thermos for tea-on-the-go.

(&lots of amazing supportive people. )

it's weird how i just feel like this is going to end in a lie. 

liz phair cover band?

he's got a million dollar car 
he's got a thirty-seven year old guitar 
he's got a family who deals heroin 
you're on the edge of your chair 
and you feel it 
he's looking at you, he's laughing at you 
it's happening 

i can't, i can't believe it 
but it's here on the pages i'm reading 
it's all i can do to conceal my feelings of jealousy 
jealousy 

i know it's just a drawer of photographs 
they're ex-girlfriends, i try to remember that 
i don't wanna look, but i'm already hooked on jealousy 
jealousy 

i can't believe you had a life before me 
i can't believe they let you run around free 
just putting your body wherever it seemed like a good idea 
what a good idea 

standing on the corner watching the ladies pass by 
imagining me behind your eyes 
and what did i see? 
i saw hips, i saw thighs 
i saw secret positions that we never try 
i saw jealousy 
i saw jealousy 

i can't, i can't believe it 
but it's here in this place and i see it 
it's all i can do to conceal my feelings of jealousy 
jealousy 

standing on the mudflats watching the salmon fly 
wonder if i'll ever bury the hatchet inside 
imagining me behind your eyes 
and what did i see? 
i saw hips, i saw thighs 
i saw secret positions that we never try 
i saw jealousy 
i saw jealousy 

i can't believe you had a life before me 
 can't believe they let you run around free 
just putting your body wherever it seemed like a good idea 
what a good idea 

this is what being complete feels like

the stars are shining so bright 
wait that's just manhattan's light 

it's been twelve hours since i ate 
i think i'm finally losing weight 

mixed up my armor with some knight 
walkin' home wearing his white 
i know what you're gonna say 
no one could love me this way 

i'm bowlegged and starving, but 
walkin' home happy 
let this mark the moment 
when i felt freedom ring 
i've got my laptop for pleasure 
and my guitar for pain 
love's a buried treasure 
but i don't need love to feel this way 

he said i could spend the night 
i said thanks but that's alright 
you can paint your number on my face 
but i'm not into sleeping at someone else's place 

i'm bowlegged and starving, but 
walkin' home happy 
let this mark the moment 
when i felt freedom ring 
i've got my laptop for pleasure 
and my guitar for pain 
love's a buried treasure 
but i don't need love to feel this way

when brooklyn tossed a bone, it landed in my wishing well 
took the train for hours to this roach motel 
sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's hot 
sometimes he loves me, 
sometimes he loves me not 

i'm bowlegged and starving, but 
walkin' home happy 
let this mark the moment 
when i felt freedom ring 
i've got my laptop for pleasure 
and my guitar for pain 
love's a buried treasure 
but i don't need love to feel this way

i got a sad sinking feeling

and i can see her face .

and i imagine that you can too .

when time is most precious and we're at our most vulnerable .

and you can read my mind, and then i wonder what you don't want me to know .

there are things you don't say; everyone has something to hide .

my hands are around her throat and she's an ugly shade of aquamarine. when you're fucking her/me. 

she's always around and i can't get rid of her, no matter how hard i try. 

i'm choking her and she's sputtering and coughing. her eyes look up at me and she's not begging me to stop, she's pushing me on "you can do this".

the hate literally boils in my stomach. nausea hits, it's one thing and another. my hands turn to yours and back. you're never holding on hard enough. you never commit fully enough. 

i don't know you as well as i know her/she knows you. and now i'm wondering is this a trend in your life ?

you

are

so

full

of

shit

drama.

and of course, you're completely oblivious.

boy don't she feel warm tonight.

the only thing keeping her away from complete happiness and peace of mind was her insanity. 

there was always someone there for her. if she accepted it, life could have been handed to her on a silver platter. but she threw the platter back in life's face. she wanted things to be difficult, you can't be an artist without suffering. she worked to ruin her perfect world and in doing so ruined it for her family and friends. 

she started lying to attempt to erase the perfection that could have surrounded her. she started cheating to have something to lie about. she hurt anyone who ever threatened her with the thought of a "perfect" life, a "normal" life. she fought back anyway she knew how; claws out, eyes closed. she always drew blood. 

i contemplate the day we wed

(your friends are boring me to death)

where is everything that i was promised? 

take it easy, love nothing.

this is always my profile photo on facebook when i am depressed. 

the boy who blocked his own shot.

if it makes you less sad
i will die by your hand
i hope you find out what you want
i already know what i am
and if it makes you less sad
we'll start talking again
and you can tell me how vile 
i already know that i am

i'll grow old
and start acting my age
i'll be a brand new day 
in a life that you hate
a crown of gold
a heart that's harder than stone
and it hurts a whole lot
but it's missed when it's gone

call me a safe bet
i'm betting i'm not
i'm glad you that can forgive
only hoping as time goes
you can forget

if it makes you less sad
i'll move out of the state
you can keep to yourself
i'll keep out of your way
and if it makes you less sad
i'll take your pictures all down
every picture you paint
i will paint myself out
it's as cold as a tomb
and it's dark in your room
when i sneak to your bed 
to pour salt in your wounds
so call it quits
or get a grip
say you wanted a solution
you just wanted to be missed

call me a safe bet
i'm betting i'm not
i'm glad that you can forgive
i'm only hoping as time goes
you can forget
so you can forget
you can forget

you are calm and reposed
let your beauty unfold
pale white like the skin 
stretched over your bones
spring keeps you ever close
you are second hand smoke
you are so fragile and thin
standing trial for your sins
holding onto yourself the best you can
you are the smell before the rain
you are the blood in my veins

call me a safe bet
i'm betting i'm not
i'm glad that you can forgive
i'm only hoping as time goes
you can forget

oscar.

i couldn't imagine you crying and it's weird hearing it over the phone.

i guess you really care about them.

i guess i care about them more than i thought, too.

ice water.

i just want more. 

however, i don't expect you to indulge my ridiculous whims.

i didn't mean to lie to you.

today, i turned my phone off for hours. 

i wanted you to worry like you did before but you didn't even notice.

bathrooms have always had a soothing affect.

and i lock myself in mine.

dirty floor.

rocking back and forth.

music that you would call sad and i would call real.

my door is locked and the speaker's loud. 

the display screen on my cell phone a dead, dull black.

i wonder if you even think about what's happening. 

 

northshore.

something so sick about this, my misery's so addictive.

i believe that people need to realize that there can be a difference between not liking something and disliking it.

i guess i think it's nice that we have names for each other.

pops and chucky.

i like that.

there's nothing quite like the smell of something that used to be food and is now... not.