what is the point of talking to people, anyway?

review my wishes for fair weather.

i can't breath, i realize i've said this before.
i can't ever breath.

i used to think that i could escape by walking away.
i would move away. try any number of things to get away from everything.
now i know that it's impossible.
running away only makes escaping harder.
running away only makes it more clear that i can't get away.
only makes it harder to breath, harder to smile, harder in general.

it's as if in the process of running away i get turned around and end up running back.
but it's the last place i want to be.

i don't know how to say this softly, but i'm hurting and afraid and i just want to be able to breath.

last night's torrents.

i know that we can't all be together
and that calls over skype are as close as we can get.
but in a way, i haven't felt closer to you in a while.

last night reminded me of the days
where james blunt and damien rice filled up our playlists.
something we cringe about when admitting to now.
me, you and a boy.
this is how it used to be,
this is what i've been missing.

cross your fingers, please.

threats of castration for crimes you imagine when i miss your call.

i understand that i am asking a lot of you.
i realize that i am being unreasonable.
constantly demanding; you are constantly in demand.
it must be exhausting to be loved this much
and this is not a guilt trip.
it's just the tired truth.
twisted, and laced with unexplainable fear
and also something larger.
pure paranoia.
terror takes over, my actions affected accordingly due to this anxiety.

little porcelain figurines, glass bullets you shoot at the wall.

i want to believe you
and you say that you don't
and that should be enough
and it is.
for the most part.
and i should be enough
and i believe that i am.
for the most part.

but what about the other parts?

young hearts burst open, wounds bleed fresh.

i want to reach out and touch you.
and your skin is warm
and my hands are cold.
only, i don't
because i'm stubborn and
i'm longing for you to pull me closer
hold me
convince me it's okay.
i feel nauseous
my anxiety is overwhelming.
i think i am going to throw up
and cry
and this is never going to end.